Just Put The Spoon Down

Some years ago I went on a weekend retreat with a group of men out near Nelson Bay. We spent the days doing as boys do - talking shit, roasting each other, reflecting on the past and making plans for the future.

It was a grand weekend with many memorable moments (some I may write about in a future entry), but one event in particular embedded in my memory that I’d like to share with you now.

There was a recurring conversation about a particular type of cake, a cake that I’d never even heard of, let alone tasted. The Cadbury Freddo Party Cake. This fabled cake was the favourite of one particular member of the gang (who may well be reading this presently), who waxed longingly about how delightful it would be to indulge in a Cadbury Freddo Party Cake on that very weekend.

Well, as fate would have it, one morning we visited the local corner store and there in the tiny freezer was that very same object of conversation and desire — the Cadbury Freddo Party Cake.

Naturally it was promptly purchased and a plan was made to divide the cake amongst the group later that evening.

After experiencing a hilarious and life-affirming journey of an afternoon (a story for another time), the cake was brought out, plates and cutlery were distributed, and the boys eagerly dug in.

Except, my friends, for yours truly.

Not being much of a fan of cake, I passed on the offer, but I was happy to hang out and witness the near-ecstasy of my associates (particularly that one aforementioned individual for whom the Cadbury Freddo Party Cake was a favourite).

After a few bites, one of the gentlemen (let’s call him A.), turned to me and said,

“Man, I wish I had your discipline.”

To which I replied,

“Just put down the spoon then.”

There was a pause, and then A. replied:

“Eh, nah.”

And went on eating after a roar of laughter from the group.

Now to be clear, I don’t care that he ate the cake. What I do care about is how interesting and illuminating that exchange was.

A desire was expressed — a desire to have the discipline to say no to a pleasure. A solution was offered — just put the spoon down. But the cake was ate nonetheless.

I speak a lot about the importance of having a goal. A goal gives you a trajectory, something to aim for. It gives meaning to our choices as either being in service of our goal or in opposition.

Having a goal is important, but a goal alone is not enough. We need to be willing to do what it takes to get there. We need to be willing to sacrifice that which doesn’t serve us. We need to allow something to die in order for something new to grow. After all, everything has a cost.

I believe for many of us, certainly for me, the price we must pay to change who we are is to let go of our identity.

We need to see, to truly see, that our ordinary sense of self is not us but a costume. In ordinary life we become convinced that the shell formed around our essential selves, composed of that which is not us (our personality), is our true selves. But in reality, this is just a character we are playing.

I believe this is why it’s so hard for us to change. Because we identify with this false-self and thus unconsciously behave in ways that confirm and support the role we are playing.

To be different we need to see ourselves differently.

To do better we need to see ourselves as capable of doing better.

I don’t think you should take my word for any of this, by the way. Rather, I encourage you to engage in self-observation and self-study and verify for yourself.

The essential point here is that once a goal is formulated (e.g. “I wish to have the discipline to just put down the spoon”), we then need to choose to wrestle with ourselves, to consciously struggle to not identify with the story that we don’t have the discipline. Instead, we need to have the conviction and faith that we can be different. We must choose to sacrifice something old in order to gain something new.

And oh boy, it will be a struggle.

I’m not sure where A. is at in his cake journey these days. My impression is that he’s on a solid path towards health and wellness, which feels good to know.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you, and I certainly hope I haven’t turned you off of cake. I simply hope at the very least that reading this has given you the prompt and opportunity to pause and consider your own struggles to “put the spoon down”.

So, dear reader…

Can you do it?

With love,

🙏🐒